Hand in Hand (Part 2)
From IKTWiki
By Angel Teng（Sister）
（Continuation）
Even though I am the eldest sister but Danny never liked me to think of him as an immature younger brother. He would always like to protect me in his manly way. If he knows about my love problem, he would say to me, “Hey sis, if he mistreat you in any way, I will take him up directly!” I never took him serious and would simply laugh and say to him, “Ya..ya.. I know…you have got black belt in Judo.” Actually I always felt very fortunate to have such brother, he is so sweet to me but I have never told him this before. Now, if I met someone new, I don’t have the courage to say that I actually have a brother but had passed away. Because the lost of Danny, is the biggest pain that is in my heart. Instead of telling them the truth, I would say to them I am the only child in the family. I remember saying to my mom once jokingly after fighting with Danny, “Why did you have to give birth to Danny? I would be enough for the family. Look now, he fights with me all the time.” Danny talks back wittily, “That’s because mommy is smart, she knows I am too sweet! If she didn’t give birth to me, it would be the biggest mistake she would ever make…Ha...Ha!” I never thought so many years later, I have really become the only child in the family but I am not happy about at all. I wish I never said those words…if I didn’t say that…maybe Danny would not have left us.
When Danny has first gone, what I regret the most was I didn’t phoned him as much as I had actually wanted to. I didn’t spend enough time to be with him and show him that I really cared. I usually phone my family regularly every weekend but I never talk too much with Danny. I have always wanted to speak to my mom more. What I thought was, Danny and I had the rest of our lives to speak any time we want to, plus he was planning to work in Taiwan soon after his graduation. So I thought, there was no rush we would have plenty of time later. But I was so wrong…truly wrong about it! He had left in such shock, I really felt that I miss out on so many things…so many things.
I really want to know what his New Year wish was that year. What kind of plan he had that year? On the day of accident what kind of mood was he in? Did he have a lot of fun with his friends at the lake that day? Did he know that even though his sister didn’t speak to him too often but she truly cares for him? There are so many questions that I had wanted to ask him.
Whenever I think of Danny now, I think of time when I return to my home in South Africa. He would drive me everywhere, we would go to the cinema, have great meal at the lovely restaurant, do a lot of shopping, chatting on my bed…etc. We would talk about friends, love, family and future…we talk about all kinds of thing. Danny had a lot of plans for his future and he had many expectations too. He wanted things to be better for his family and friends. He and I are both Libras, we all love children; we had even made an agreement that we would all have many children one day, so that our family would be full of people. Danny has always likes to spoil his girlfriend; he had said to me once when he got married one day, he will take his wife on holiday as much as they can. He would then ask me to look after their children. But now, seeing at how hurt my mom is by loosing Danny, I can’t imagine myself to have baby in future because I don’t think I am able to take that kind of pain if anything like that happens to me!
Although Danny and I talk just about everything but Danny would still avoid discussing his deepest secrets, Danny actually has a much more sensitive heart than average boys. I can’t even compare to his level of sensitivity. This attribute has made him tends to think a lot more than others, and he would only shows his happiness in front of others but keep the unhappiness to himself. I was unable to reach into the secret area, as he is like that to me too.
When we both live together in South Africa, our favorite family activity on weekend was to watch Video throughout the night with my mom. If we got tired, we would each lay on a sofa couch and sleep. Once we are awake we would discuss about the plot and continue watching. Danny likes to make fun of me when he gets the opportunity. Whenever he comes into my room, he would mess up my bed on purpose to annoy me. I would be so made and scream out,“MOMMY, look what Danny is doing!!” Then Danny would leave my room with smile on his face.
To me, up until today I still feel that Danny is only on a long journey that he is just not easily reached. Deep inside my heart, I still have this slightest hope that he would walk through the door someday and speak in that ever-familiar tone, “Hey sis I am home…” I know this is something impossible but I can’t stop it replying in my head.
The first year when Danny passed away, I was trapped in grief helplessly. But the second year, I don’t cry anymore. There was a stage I blame myself been so cold hearted, how could I forget the pain of loosing my brother so quickly. Later I discovered, the thoughts for Danny has never gone, it had actually grown stronger with days goes by. I have only hided those thoughts very very deep inside my heart. It is now the third year since the accident had happened. Whenever I think of Danny now, the thoughts would still turn to endless tears. This feeling of missing a love one, can only be understood by someone that has lost someone dear to their hearts.
At the beginning, I had regret so much on missing out on participating in Danny’s life. But now through editing this book for Danny, I was able to re-live Danny’s life through all writing pieces from Danny’s friends and everyone that had loved him dearly. I was able to learn the kind of role Danny plays in their life; this was truly an extraordinary opportunity. Through their words and sentences, I was able to experience how they have met Danny, how they got along together and the memorable time that they have spent. I just want to say to you Danny, “Sis is really proud of you! Because you had really treated everyone with your true heart, you have touched each one of us with your soul. Your love will be heart with us forever!”
People say that God has plans for everything that happens to us. I think, us been brother and sister, was God’s will to let me experience the feeling of being a sister, to learn how to love and being loved by a dear brother. I was looking through some old photos the other day. I found this photo of us when we were still kiddies, you and I were walking hand in hand…it was a sweet memorable time! Thank you Danny, because of you I was able to understand the true meaning of love!
Time is unable to take away the pain of loosing you. Mom, Dad and I who loves you dearly will continue to learn every day to elevate that pain into stronger power. We have used our first half of life to love you; we would then need the other half of lifetime to think of you. We only wish, each single word today are delivered right into your heart in heaven. All we want to tell you is that, even though time has passed but we have not forgotten you. In fact, we have missed you even more. We strongly believe you have already turned in to an angel, protecting and being with us all the time!
Missing you, Angel (Sis)
手牽手(二)
鄧 凱 倢‧文
編按：本文中文版手牽手曾刊登於225期基礎小品，為南非鄧凱倢所寫紀念弟弟之文章。
雖然我是姐姐，但Danny一直不喜歡因為他是弟弟，就認為他不夠成熟，總是處處喜歡表現大男生來保護我。如果Danny知道我在感情上遇到相處上的問題，他總是會說：「老姐，要是他敢欺負你，我一定會讓他好看！」以前都會很敷衍的對他說：「好啦！好啦！知道你柔道很厲害。」其實心裡覺得有這樣的弟弟，真的好貼心，但我不曾告訴他。現在，認識新朋友時，我總是沒有勇氣告訴別人我有個弟弟，因為那是我心中最痛的秘密，只能含糊的說我是家中唯一的小孩。從前和Danny鬥嘴時，我曾經開玩笑對媽媽說：「生我就好啦！幹麻還要生Danny…每次都跟我吵架。」Danny就會回嘴說：「那是媽媽英明，我這麼可愛…不生可惜啦！」沒想到，多年後我真的變成家中唯一的小孩…但是我一點都不快樂！真希望自己從來沒說過那樣的話…如果我沒那樣說…Danny說不定就不會走了。
Danny一走時，最後悔的是當初沒有多打電話給他、沒有多寫E-mail給他、沒有多一點時間陪伴他、關心他。意外發生前，我都會固定打電話回家，但都慣例跟他說兩句後就急著找媽咪講話，因為總覺得和Danny有的是一輩子的時間，而且當初他還計畫大學畢業後要回台灣發展。所以心想，之後相處時間會變多…但是我錯了……真的錯了！他走得突然，我覺得錯過好多、好多……
好想知道那個新年他想了些什麼？對新年有什麼期望？意外當天他是帶著什麼心情出門？那天在湖畔跟同學玩得還愉快嗎？他知道姐姐雖然沒有常常對他說親密的話，可是真的很關心他嗎？好多、好多的問題想要問他……
現在想起Danny時，記憶裡充滿著每次回南非，他總是開車帶我出去玩。我們一起去欣賞電影、一起品嘗美食、一起逛街、一起躺在床上聊天。朋友、愛情、親情和未來，我們什麼都聊。Danny對未來有好多想法和期許，希望家人更好、朋友更好。同是天秤座的我們都喜愛小孩，我們曾約定以後都要多生幾個小孩，讓我們家變得更熱鬧。一向疼愛女朋友的他還說，以後即使結婚都還要常常帶老婆出去旅遊，到時候就把小孩交給我照顧。現在，看到媽媽失去他之後的悲痛，我已不敢想像自己有小孩了，因為我無法想像要如何承受那樣的痛！
雖然無所不聊，但Danny總會避開討論自己心靈最深處，其實Danny有一顆別於一般男生細膩的心。細膩的程度，連我這做姐姐的都無法比。這個特質使Danny想的比別人多很多，而他總是把快樂表現出來，所有的不愉快卻往心裡擺。我沒辦法很了解Danny，因為他對我也是如此，他的內心深處我也未曾進入過。
以前我們在南非最喜歡的週末活動，就是和媽媽一起通宵看錄影帶。看累了，三個人就各自躺在沙發上睡覺，睡醒了再一起討論劇情。喜歡鬧我的Danny，每次都跑到我房間，故意躺在床上弄亂，每次讓我受不了大叫：「媽咪！你看Danny啦！」而你就會帶著滿意的微笑離開。 對我來說，到今天為止我依舊覺得你只是出了趟遠門，不容易聯繫到罷了。心底還是會有一絲絲的期望，或許哪天你會奇蹟似地突然走進我房門，用那再熟悉不過的語氣說：「老姐，我回來了！」雖然我知道那是不可能發生的事，但這個想法卻不斷地在我腦海中重覆出現。
Danny離開的第一年，我常困在悲傷中，無法自拔。第二年，反常地我不再莫名掉淚。反而曾一度覺得自己是不是太冷血，那麼快就忘了喪弟之痛、忘了Danny而感到很自責。後來我才發現，我的不捨、我的思念依舊存在，而且是隨著日子加倍成長。這些思念只是被放在心底、很深很深的地方罷了。意外發生至今已過了四年，每當我獨自想起你時，對你的思念自然就會化成不停的淚水，這種思念，唯有失去過親人才能體會。
之前我曾遺憾沒來得及參與你的人生。這次藉由整理長輩和好友們給你的文章，彷彿讓我重新體驗你在世的日子。這是一個多麼特殊的機緣啊……可以透過你生命中每位重要的人，從他們字裡行間明白，你如何和他們相遇、相處，在他們的生命中你又扮演著不同的腳色。姐姐只是想告訴你：「姐姐很以你為榮！真的！因為你如此真心對待每個人，用你的真情真意感動他們，而這份真情將與他們永遠同在。」
人們說，上帝對一切的安排都有祂特殊的意義。我想，我們姐弟一場，上帝是要讓我體驗做姐姐的感受、學習如何被愛、如何付出。那天，我無意翻到一張舊照片，年幼的你和我，兩個人手牽手，好快樂呀！謝謝你Danny，因為有你，姐姐才可以如此深刻體驗愛的真意！
時間無法帶走你離開我們的傷痛，深深愛你的我、媽媽和爸爸，每天都在學習如何將傷痛昇華成更大的力量，我們用了一輩子的時間來愛你，更需要一輩子的時間好好懷念你。只願，我們的思念，一字一句不減地傳達到你心裡。告訴你，過了這麼久，我們沒有忘記你，只有更加想念你。我們更加相信你已化身為我們的天使，無時無刻守護著我們！
想念你的姐姐 於台北深夜 Angel/Taipei Mid-night
（編按：九月份為Danny─凱鴻生日，本文為其姊凱倢所寫紀念弟弟章。）
Source
Excerpt from Foundation Monthly, 228, pp. 32-35 & 225, pp. 43-47, December, 2007.
