Hand in Hand (Part 1)
From IKTWiki
By Angel Teng
I will always remember the morning on January 9th 2004, it was few days after the Chinese New Year in Taiwan, and the weather was cold and cloudy. I woke up as usual that morning, to get ready for work, right at that moment the telephone started ringing. I picked up the phone and it was my mom calling from South Africa. Her voice was surprising low, I had a bad feeling (as it was midnight in South Africa). Her first sentence was, “Angel…Danny is missing…” “Missing? What do you mean?”
First I thought maybe my brother had a fight with my parents and had walked off. “Danny went out with his friends yesterday…and had an accident…we have been looking for him but still can’t find him…” What was going on? How could this be happening? How could Danny just disappear from no way? I was so shocked and confused, but I had to comfort my mom first and promise her I will fly back home very soon. I then rushed to work to apply for immediate leave, and book myself on the very next flight back to South Africa.
That whole day, I was in a complete shock about this dramatic news. It was so hard for me to believe something like this is happening to my family! My friends and family in Taiwan had all comforted me that miracle will happen to change the situation around. On my way back to South Africa, I keep on telling myself the same…Danny...my dear brother will be fine. I had prayed to Chi-Kung Buddha and to God for their mercy, I have begged them to let us find Danny soon…please!!
When I arrive at the lake, where the accident took place, my parents were in such week and numb status. My mom and dad had said to me with last hope, “ Go to the lakeside quickly, call for your brother and tell him you are back…go on …” I couldn’t hold the fear any longer, rushed over to the lakeside and screamed out loud, “Danny, it’s me sis (Sister)…I am back…sis is back now…can you hear me? Please don’t scare us like this Danny…where are you? We are so worried! Please…let us find you!”
The miracle that we were hoping for had happened 30min. after my calling at the lakeside. Finally, Danny was found but the world had changed complete too! According to Chinese custom, I was suppose to identify my brother’s body, but my parents were worried that I was not able to handle it, so they didn’t let me do so. I sat with my mom 50 meters away from the lakeside. I was crying with her and overlooking how rescue team moves my brother’s body into the ambulance. At that moment, it felt like we were part of a TV Drama series, where everything was happening in slow motion. I never thought such a Drama scenario would happen to my family. My mind was blank for a very long while, all I remember is that I can’t stop myself from crying; it was by far the hardest thing that had happened to me! I was unable to do any thinking, and could only follow what the other elder tells me to do.
The only thing that I was very clear is that I am now the only child left in the family. I must not show my sorrow in front of my parents, I need to take care of them. So I need to hide my tears, they are only to be seen when I am alone. The morning after Danny was found, I woke up finding tears were already rolling down on my cheeks. I was not sure if I was crying in my sleep or was it just too painful that tears didn’t stop throughout the rights. The lost of my brother was the hardest thing that I ever had to accept.
Right after my whole family had escorted Danny’s ashes back to Taiwan, I had resume work directly after his funeral. I thought I had adjusted and accepted the reality. It was much later that learned, the impact of burying that pain was unexpectedly powerful! There were numerous of times I had breakdown in tears and was caught in the midst of sorrow, where I couldn’t find my way out. The first year after the accident took place, only I know how unhappy I really was! When I walk in Taipei city, passing the sneaker shop were I have bought a pair for Danny, I remember how happy he was that day! It was the first time that both of us bought the same pair of shoes. He got his in blue and mine was in orange. That pair of sneaker had a very special meaning to us, because it was the first gift that I have bought for my brother after my first job in Taiwan. It was my way of showing my brother how much I had cared for him.
There was a Japanese restaurant which Danny liked, I had promised Danny I would take him out and treat him to a big feast next time he visit me in Taiwan! But up until today I still haven’t visit that restaurant, because the person that I want to go with is no longer here. Now whenever I return to my apartment, I think of the very last time Danny had visited me. We had slept together on the double bed every night during his stay; we often talked throughout the nights. There was one night that my stomach didn’t feel well; I was in a lot of pain lying on my bed resting. It had terrified Danny very much, he had wanted me to give him the direction to the nearest hospital, so he would know where to take me if needed. This was how Danny is, always so sweet and considerate, always taking care of others. Danny and I both like Japan very much. We were planning to have a family vacation after his graduation that year. But it was too late, as he has made an early step retuning to heaven.
Danny has been a super softhearted person. Each time when he and I got into an argument, he would always be the one to apologize first. However, I would always give him a hard time. Now, thinking back to those old days, I truly regret what I had done to him. Ever since Danny left us, whenever I see a pair of brother and sister now it would makes me thinks of Danny, and my heart would ache for knowing Danny will never be here to fight or to laugh with me anymore. When we used to fight at home, my mom would always say to us, “You and your brother are the closest person to each other. You two should appreciate the time that you have got together.” My mom was so right about it…but it is too late now…all these regret will not bring Danny back to us.
(To be continued)
手牽手(一)
鄧 凱 倢‧文 編按：本文中文版手牽手曾刊登於225期基礎小品，為南非鄧凱倢所寫紀念弟弟之文章。
永遠記得2003年1月9日早晨。剛過完新年的台灣，天氣非常陰冷。一大早，睡眼惺忪的我如往常般準備上班，就在那時，電話鈴聲突然響起。一聽到電話那頭是媽媽從南非打來的低沉聲音，心裡就有一種不祥的預感（因為時差，當時是南非半夜）。媽媽第一句話：「Angel，弟弟不見了…」「不見了？什麼意思？」我心想是不是弟弟和爸媽吵架，意氣用事，離家出走！「弟弟昨天和朋友出去玩，發生意外…到現在都還找不到人…」怎麼會這樣？好好的人怎麼會不見了？在稍微了解狀況並且暫時安慰擔心害怕的母親後，還是趕去上班，立刻安排請假，速請慧玲姐幫我訂機票，馬上飛回南非。
那一整天，一直無法想像為何發生如此戲劇化的事情，實在很難接受！台灣的朋友、長輩們不斷安慰我一定會有奇蹟出現。在飛奔回家的路途，我也是這樣安慰自己，向濟公老師請求、向老母請求讓奇蹟出現，讓我們找到Danny！
抵達意外現場時，看到平時開朗的爸媽，頓時變得失魂無助，好心疼！爸媽看著我：「快去湖邊叫弟弟的名字，跟他說你回來了…」心中不安又害怕，透過聲聲的吶喊：「Danny，我是姐姐…我趕回來了…姐姐回來了…你有聽到嗎？不要再嚇我們了！Danny…你在哪裡？我們都好擔心啊！…趕快讓我們找到你啊！」
就在不斷呼喚後的半個小時內，大家所等待的奇蹟出現！終於找到Danny了，但世界頓時完全不一樣了。照習俗應該由我去認弟弟的屍體，但爸媽心疼我受不了，沒有讓我去做。呆坐在媽媽身旁，和她一起落淚。就在離湖邊一百公尺的地方，看著救難人員把弟弟的屍體移到救護車上。一切如電影般慢動作演出，說什麼也想不到平常電視裡演的情節會發生在我們身上！腦袋一片空白，只知道眼淚一直流，這個打擊實在來得太突然！我完全無法思考，只能聽從長輩們的安排做事。
唯一清楚的是，知道這個家現在只剩下我，我不能在爸媽面前難過，我必須照顧他們。因此，眼淚必須隱藏在沒有人看到的時候才流。找到Danny的隔天早上，醒來時我已經在流淚，弄不清是睡夢中淚，還是心太痛、淚整夜沒停過？這…是前所未體驗的痛！
全家人把弟弟骨灰送回台灣安座後，忙碌的工作讓自己誤認為已走出傷痛。但後來才發現，隱瞞傷痛的後挫力有多大！無數次不由自主地難過大哭，並且莫名地被憂傷纏繞而無法跳脫。意外發生後的大半年，只有自己知道自己是多麼不快樂！走在台北街頭上，路過那間為Danny買球鞋的店，就想起送給他時，他有多開心！那是我們姐弟長這麼大以來第一次買同一款的球鞋，他的是藍色，我的是橘色。這雙鞋很有意義，因為那是我回台灣上班開始賺錢後，買給弟弟的第一份禮物，是身為姐姐對弟弟的一份寵愛。
經過日本料理店時，記得我曾答應他下次回台灣，我會招待他好好大吃一餐。至今我都沒有去過那家店，因為我想要一起來的那個人已不在了。回到自己租的套房，想起最後一次Danny回台灣跟我同住的那段日子，每晚我們姐弟兩同睡在一張床，總是聊天到深夜。有一晚我突然胃痛，嚇壞了Danny，他急著要我先告訴他哪裡有醫院，如需急診他才知道送我去哪裡就醫，這就是貼心的Danny，總是很細心照顧別人。日本，一直以來是我和Danny最喜歡的國家，我們曾經期許，等他畢業後全家要一起去日本旅行，但日本還沒來得及去，你就先回天國了…
Danny其實是一個超級貼心及容易心軟的人。我們姐弟倆多次吵架，往往都是Danny先軟化局面，以示和好，通常我都得理不饒人的多罵他幾句才甘心。現在想起來好後悔，他都放下身段要和好，我又何必弄得不可收拾呢！Danny走後，每當看到有姐弟檔出現時就會讓我心痛鼻酸，想到以後沒有人可以跟我打打鬧鬧，心就會好難過、好難過。每次和Danny吵架時，媽咪總是會勸我們：兩姐弟在世界上最親的人就是彼此，所以要懂得珍惜。確實，媽媽說的很對，但現在再多的後悔也換不回Danny了！
Source
Excerpt from Foundation Monthly, 227, pp. 28-31 & 225, pp. 43-47, November, 2007.
