Endless Thoughts (Part 1)
From IKTWiki
By Lily Chang
Translated by Angel Teng
Heart to heart (母子心心相印)
My dearest baby....you have taken all my love and the care that mommy has for you in the past twenty-three years. You and I certainly have shared an extraordinary karma. Perhaps it was because we used to listen to Buddha’s scripture preaching or studied Buddhism together in our previous life, so it has caused and created the mother-son karma that we have had in this life. Memories of you are like spider webs that have wrapped up my heart, stirring up heartbreaking ripples one after another. Tears are like an endless rain, rolling down my cheeks each time when I think of you?
When we left Taiwan originally, you were only nine years old, just finished the first year of your primary school. After immigrated to South Africa, Saturdays became your routine Chinese class time. Your study material was the Jing Si Aphorisms by Master Cheng Yen (Tzu Chi Foundation). Mommy has always been extra concern in selecting the most suitable material for you. Once the material is decided, I would then look up the phonetic notation, the radical and sentence examples in the dictionary for you. So that I could teach you the Chinese character stroke by stroke. After fourteen years of learning, you have achieved excellence in Chinese reading, writing, speaking and even typing. Your outstanding performance had made mommy so proud! Especially your love for reciting Chinese poems had surprised us all. Moreover, even though you have not studied Chinese history before but your knowledge of San-Guo-Yan-Yi (Chinese historical novel) was far better than mine. You have also found the joy of reading in Chinese comics. The comic books have not only motivated you to learn Chinese, it had also brought out your talent in art. Normally, Chinese parents are strongly against letting their children reading comics. But mommy fully support this way of learning, I had the pleasure of carrying those comics all the way from Taiwan through out those 14 years for you. Your private collection of three hundred comic books was something that was envy by most of your friends.
Under such extraordinary karma, you and I were able to build up a very close and mutual understanding relationship. Our intimate talks have a wide variety of topics, which included the topic that most Chinese parents would avoid "The relationship between two genders". Your friends were amazed about it and had asked once, "How come my mom never talks about this with me?" You had answered proudly, "No problem, you can always talk to my mom!" So many parents has problem with their children, they had asked me once "Did Danny had a rebellion period?" I replied, "Of cause he had! But do you know how much love I have used to soften his heart? For example, the orange juice that he drinks, would always be freshly made by me; the watermelon that he eats, I would pick out the seeds first, then cut them into cubs for him; as for grapes, I would peel off the skin and pick out the seeds before he eats them; the apples would be cut into cubs and top with yogurt; sushi and grill dishes are always made according to his special taste...etc." Danny had said once, "Mommy, you are so nice to me. I want to be your son again in the next life... I answered, "My son, whatever obligation that I still owe you, let us clear it in this life. Because, don't we all want to return to heaven one day?" (In our religion, it is our ultimate aim to return to heaven for good and not to fall into transmigration again)
The Unfulfilled Agreement (未完成的約定)
Danny, do you know each time when I have meal by myself now, tears would welled up my eyes and my heart would hurt as if knife is piercing it? It has been three years now since you have left, but my deepest pain still cannot be healed. My heart bleeds, anguished with cry, "Danny! Danny! Danny! Where are you now? How could you leave mommy behind like this?" I remember you used to ask me, "Mommy, am I here to repay you the kindness or am I here to reclaim the obligation that others owes me?" I answered, "I do certainly hope that you are here to repay the kindness in this life. Otherwise, whom would I rely on when I get old?" However, when you were five years old, a fortuneteller had predicted that your dad and I would rely on your sister and not you when we get old. Could it really be possible that our lives are predetermined?
The oven in our house is now sealed, because it makes me think of the happy baking times we had in the kitchen. When we were making moon-cakes, you would help with a dough cutter so to cut out the right shape; when we were baking cakes, you would help to whip the eggs; when you were making Chinese egg-rolls, I would help mixing the ingredients for you; when your sister was making Chinese desert, you always eat faster than the speed of deserts being made; your fort special baked-cheese dishes, have always made people ask for more…thinking up until here, I can not hold my tears any longer and my heart is close to breaking into pieces! One would only know how much you love, with the pain you felt deep inside. I dislike any celebrations now, such as birthdays or Mother’s Day. I am scared of any silent moment that I am alone; it would only make me think of you more!
You and I had made an agreement to visit Japan in the year of 2004, as a celebration of your graduation from University. We agreed that we would wait for your sister to come home, so to take a new family photo, which we have waited for so long. You even had plans to study further overseas, and have made a promised that once you start earning money, you would want to treat me with first class flight? I have not forgotten our agreements but it wouldn’t be fulfilled anymore!
Now, whenever I lie on the sofa sleeping, you wouldn’t be there to put a blanket over me like you always would. There is no one for me to discuss the Da-Ai Drama series that we both love, and there is no one besides me while I am making Chinese handcraft! The last birthday card that you bought me, you have paid it off with the tutoring fees that you just earned. It says on the card, "Dear mommy, I am truly grateful for everything that you have done for me... "How sweet of you to say that! You were like a seed that I have planted with love. I was so proud seeing you have grown and became so strong.
The local South African people and the Tao society have loved you for being energetic about life. But you took everyone by surprise, left without any notice, leaving us only your unforgettable smile behind. These thoughts break my heart and tears were pouring uncontrollably. My blood pressure had even gone up to 199 mmHg for days (the normal systolic pressure should be under 130mmHg). I have wondered, why it was not me the one that had to go? Why? Why? So many times in those cold raining evening, I had pleaded God to take me too. Sadly it is not my time to go yet, and I had doubt how would I be able to move on?
An aristocrat of Youth Tao Member (道青中的佼佼者)
I recalled the time that you attended the Buddha’s Light religious camp. When you came back from the camp, you were so eager to share everything that you have learned with your sister and me. We have talked till dawn and enjoyed every moment being together, those were our valuable times! I could still remember the past vividly in my head, as if it has just happened yesterday…
Once, you had participated in the Tzu Chi religious camp and had visited an orphanage home. The love that was stirred up in that activity has extended till you got home. Each time when you came back from a religious camp, you couldn’t wait to share all the treasures that you have found with us. You have said to be before, "Mommy, I am so fortunate!" You have applied the Jing Si Aphorisms that you have learned and verify it with what you have come across in your life, so to make your own personal record of it. There was a year, that both Tzu Chi and Buddha’s Light Association coincidentally had planned their camp on the same day. Later, over a dinner that the representatives from Tzu Chi, Buddha’s Light, I-Kuan-Tao and other Chinese Associations were at, mommy had pointed out the overlapping dates of these two camps to them. At the end of the dinner that night, the representatives have agreed to readjust the date, so that youngsters would have the opportunity to attend both camps. You were overjoyed when I break the news to you. One of your friends said to you, "My mom wouldn’t let me attend any of these camp, let along she would never have tried for my sake to fight for more opportunity…"
In the South Africa I-Kuan Tao Youth Association, you were the PR personnel and the master of ceremony for Tao events. Moreover, you were translator for Transmit teachers and lecturers. If you were to give your own Tao lectures, you would do everything in your power to make sure the lecture is interesting for the Tao members, so as to encourage them to cultivate further. Time has always passed with happiness in your lectures. Tao members always leave your lecture with a pleasant heart, and they would look forward to the next inspiring Tao gathering.
The Tao seminar that was held in year 2000, Chi-Kung Buddha had given a holy revelation during the seminar (channeling through a media). Chi-Kung Buddha gave you an opportunity to explain the meaning of the song that he had made for the local South African Tao members. You did a magnificent job that day. Many Tao members complimented on your confidence and competence that you had at such young age, you truly stand out to be an aristocrat of Youth Tao member. You are an elite of the South Africa Tao preaching pioneer team, one of the Chi-Kung Buddha’s favorite disciples too. You had assisted in creating a beam of light, making the future brighter and full of hopes for the South Africa Tao society！
(To be continued)
道不盡的思念(一)
編按：本文寫於凱鴻歸空三週年紀念。如果您想更進一步了解凱鴻的故事，請參閱基礎雜誌196期「又是聖誕鈴聲響起時」報導。或與我們聯絡：E-MAIL：lyk1956@hotmail.com或凱鴻的E-MAIL：danny23040108-931217@hotmail.com
母子心心相印
寶貝兒子！你帶走滿滿的愛，和23年來媽咪對你的呵護、與一路殷殷的叮嚀，你我母子一場因緣殊勝，或許累世我們曾一起聽佛陀講經、一起研討佛學，而造就了今天的緣份！回憶似蜘蛛網糾纏，探索記憶深處，不覺激起一圈圈漣漪，讓我潸然淚下……
離開台灣時，年僅9歲的你，只完成小學一年級上學期的課程。來到南非後的生活，星期六是固定中文課時間，教材是選證嚴上人的靜思語。媽咪總是先幫你瀏覽適合的教材，然後查好注音、部首、翻好字典，一筆一畫地教你。14年下來，無論對話、閱讀、書寫、中打，你樣樣頂呱呱！傑出的成績叫人刮目相看！尤其是你鍾愛的吟詩，還有羨煞多少人的漫畫書櫃，藏書超過300本！沒有讀過中國歷史的你，三國演義內容比我還清楚。漫畫書也造就了你閱讀能力，同時將你的繪畫潛能發揮得淋漓盡致！（一般家長反對子女看漫畫書，而你卻擁有這麼多，它們都是媽咪從台灣逐一扛過來累積成的！）
如此的因緣，建立彼此的互動和培養默契、增進感情，我們談心的內容非常寬廣，包括中國人比較難以啟齒的「兩性關係」也成為話題，你的同學曾經以羨慕的口吻說：「我媽怎麼都不會和我談這些呢?」你總是說：「沒關係！有疑難雜症找我阿娘，一切好辦事！」多少人因為和自己兒女有代溝，曾問我：「凱鴻有過叛逆期嗎？」我說：「當然有！你可知道我用了多少愛的電波傳進凱鴻的心坎裡，例如他喝的柳橙汁是現榨的、西瓜要先挖籽後切小塊、葡萄則剝皮又去籽、蘋果要切塊外加優酪乳、壽司的口味是量身訂做、燒烤當然以他的味蕾為第一順位……」凱鴻曾說：「媽咪！您待我真好，下輩子還要當您的兒子……」我說：「兒子啊！我欠你的今世都要算一算，我們將來都要回理天，不是嗎？」
未完成的約定
你可知道！現在當我獨自用餐時，淚水經常情不自禁模糊了雙眼，心如刀割－－內心的傷痛，到現在已經三年了，仍無法平靜下來；心淌著血，吶喊著：凱鴻！凱鴻！凱鴻！你在何方？你怎麼可以丟下我呢？記得你問我：「媽咪！我是來討債？還是來還債？」我說：「最好是還債，要不然我的下半輩子要冀望誰呢？」難道說：真的是命中註定嗎？當你五歲時，有一位先生說我們倆老將來不是靠你，而是依靠姊姊……
做糕點的烤箱已經封爐，因為它讓我想起我們共同製造糕餅的時光……做月餅時，你幫忙印模型；做蛋糕時，你負責打蛋；你做蛋捲，我就為你配料；姊姊做了銅鑼燒，你負責吃；你最拿手的「焗烤」，總讓人口齒留香……想到此，眼淚又忍不住淌下來，心幾乎快碎了，唯有痛過，方知情有多深啊！我怕過生日、怕過母親節、怕靜下來的每一秒！！ 我們曾約定2004年要暢遊日本，一起慶祝你大學畢業，曾說好等姊姊回來，要去拍全家福照，你更計畫出國深造，也允諾賺錢讓我搭飛機頭等艙……這些我都沒忘！
現在當我躺在沙發睡著時，沒有你幫我蓋被子、沒有人跟我評論大愛劇場的劇情、沒有人陪我打中國結！生日時你用了當助教所得為我買生日卡，上面寫著「親愛的媽咪！感恩您把我撫養長大……」好窩心啊！因為，用心耕耘的種子已經萌芽、茁壯了！但是，生氣蓬勃、笑容可掬、南非道場的棟樑、眾人摯愛的你，卻遽然離開有情世間，讓我心膽俱碎，淚水已經不聽使喚，如湧泉般滾下來，血壓飆高199，為什麼走的不是我呢！？為什麼？為什麼？多少次下雨的夜晚，因心絞痛導致呼吸不順暢，我祈求老天帶我走……無語問蒼天？？……時不我予又如何？？
道青中的佼佼者
憶起當你參加佛光山的成長營回來後，要我和姊姊同你一起分享，我們促膝長談至黎明，多美好的回憶啊！往事歷歷、記憶猶新……
你曾參加慈濟的營隊，因為活動中參訪孤兒院，你心中那股對道場熱愛的情緒延續到回家，每當你參加營隊回來，會迫不及待地將在靜思營中所得到的寶藏擰出來與我分享，告訴我：「媽咪啊！我好幸福。」將平常學習的靜思語拿來印證，然後做心得記錄。有一年，慈青、佛青分別舉辦營隊，其中有兩天撞期……不久之後於歡迎莊處長餐會中，佛光山代表、慈濟功德會代表、一貫道代表，我們六位坐在同一桌，媽媽就營隊時間提出商討，同時得到僑領代表們的首肯回去協商，當我轉述時，你簡直樂翻天！你的好友告訴你：我媽是不會同意我參加、更不可能為我爭取的…… 「南非一貫道青少年聯誼會」道青中你是公關、也是活動主持人，你更擔任領導點傳師、點傳師、講師們的翻譯。如果是你自己為南非道親上課，總是竭盡所能、傾囊相授，讓學員們歡欣鼓舞，激勵他們更精進，時間總是在意猶未盡的氣氛中溜走，學員們於法喜洋溢中期待再相會。
2000年法會，濟公活佛借竅時，特別給你機會解釋老師所做的道歌給南非當地的道親聽，你的教學精采絕倫！令人讚嘆小小年紀有如此經驗，是道青中的佼佼者、是南非開荒的尖兵、是濟公老師的最愛，讓南非道場的傳承注入一道曙光，將會更燦爛、更有希望！
(To be continued)
Source
Excerpt from Foundation Monthly, 218, pp. 25-29 & 217, pp. 26-31, February, 2007.
